Ever since Riley became mobile, I’ve realized that I do not parent two children gracefully. I think I had moments of grace when it was just Mira, but since the crawling has commenced, and the sleeplessness has continued, my reserves have been depleted. Mike’s been out of town for, let me count, five days so far. He comes home tomorrow around four. His absences has had an effect on all of our lives, obviously - Riley has been pretty clingy, Mira demanding, me exhausted. All I can say is I don’t know what I would have done without my mom. Even though the kids both want me at the same time all the time, at least Mom is there, and my Aunt Mary for a few days, to take care of the house - washing dishes, folding laundry, ‘undressing the table.’ I have friends of just one child and I feel so envious when one of them was out of town and the other spoke lovingly of having special mommy time with their daughter. I just want some special Ange time where I can sleep for about three days. Hey, at this point I’d gladly take five consecutive hours. 
And I do want special Mira time where she and I can do something really fun and special, but I just don’t have the mental, emotional, physical energy to do anything. And I know that my job, silly job that it is, makes me even more tired, and pulls me in yet another direction, but I really enjoy it and frankly, it’s kinda an escape from the chaos that is my life here at home. So, I think that having kids when one is young, before one has gathered one’s life into some semblance of order, before closets and desks, kitchens and files have been organized, not to mention a career established, all on one’s own schedule, can be a good thing. You are not used to having all this time to yourself to do whatever, whenever, however you want. And the whole energy level thing is a little higher as well. That all being said, I wouldn’t change anything. Had I had children in my twenties, I probably wouldn’t have moved to Minneapolis, traveled to France, Germany, be out of debt, gone to the boundary waters, twice. And yet, I still feel remorse every day. Even though I feel nothing but immense love for my kids, I feel like all I do is speak sharply to them and hope for an early bedtime. I want everything that comes out of my mouth to reflect that love I feel for them. I want my actions to shout out that love I have for them. 
Single parents of the world* - you deserve a medal, a chest full of purple hearts. I know that the whole sleep thing with Riley these days is not helping and I’m ready to try just about anything to help him sleep through the night. But, hey, I’m a magnanimous person, I’d even be okay with one waking/nursing a night. But this every hour on the hour is really getting old. So for everyone who has had to hear me kvetch this week - I’m sorry, I’m trying to catch up with my kids, on no sleep.
*I should have included parents whose spouses work crazy hours or travel a great deal.
